Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Quick Movie Review: Vol 27 (Special B-Grade Trash Edition)

Sometimes we make decisions that we come to regret. No matter how much we actually think it’s a good idea we only find out the true horror when it’s all over and the damage can be assessed. The pain I’ve gone through for this blog and my wonderful readers is phenomenal. And so with this overly dramatic beginning I get to the point finally.

I picked up a five pack of DVD’s that only cost me five dollars. Of course why would someone do such a thing? Isn’t it obvious that the movies are bad? Well yes but I have a soft spot when it comes to bad made for television disaster movies, and four of these movies were in that vein. So here we go, five movies, one post, and now it’s time to review.

Alien vs Hunter (2007)

First movie and we have to deal with the non disaster film and what a doozy. From the masters of cashing in on other big movies, Asylum; we get a movie that’s trying to con people into thinking its Alien vs Predators. They try and give their alien the same head as the Xenomorph and on the cover they make the hunter look like the Predator but in the actual movie it looks nothing like it. Why am I pointing this out? Not only is this movie crap, but it is nothing more than a money making exercise and therefore has nothing of value about it. Moving on.

Lava Storm (2008)

At the end of this movie we are told that everything we’ve just seen is based on science fact, and it all comes from a worst case example that scientists think could happen. All I could think was ‘wow, this was supposed to be realistic’. But honestly it’s not the idea, acting, or special effects that made me want to scream at the television, it was the family drama aspect. This isn’t a disaster film; it’s a family drama that plays out during a disaster. The director really does shoe horn in the family dynamic and just in case you’re not getting it then there are these still frame moments, that focus on the family posing in what is supposed to be wistful and meaningful but just comes across as hackneyed. Probably the biggest disappointment, as it promises a lava storm and gives us Full House.

Solar Destruction (2008)

You know it’s about this point I’m noticing there aren’t a lot of disaster happening in these disaster films. I don’t care if the special effects are bad I want to see cities wiped out. I can remember plenty of bad television disaster movies made in the 90’s that had more disasters in them. It can’t be about budget as the 90’s movies were cheaper. Oh well in Solar Flare we get flickering lights and some explosions but that’s about it. Yet again we have a movie that focuses more on the family dynamic and how they have to escape the clutches on an evil business man who wants the research to save his company. Of course let’s not look too closely to that plot as already plot holes are starting to form. At least this movie finally had a character who I liked, Michelle Clunie as the mother Jamie as to be given some credit as she is likeable, and her characters is an interesting, strong female character that is kind of rare. She gets a thumb up; the movie though can go to hell.

Nuclear Hurricane (2007)

So there is a hurricane, and there is a nuclear reactor that could meltdown, but not once do we get a god damn Nuclear Hurricane! I would feel ripped off if I didn’t pay so little for it. Instead we get a movie where a smart computer goes haywire and those trapped in the nuclear power plant have to figure a way to turn the reactor off before the hurricane hits, and so they must do battle with HAL’s little sister. Oh and while this is happening we get a side story of a lady giving birth in the storm. What does this have to do with the major story? Absolutely nothing. Great writing there. The only thing that I will give credit to this movie for is it didn’t do the cliché thing of having characters speak of the evils of technology. Well kind of. Still with no actual visible hurricane this movie also belongs in the fire.

Magma: Volcanic Disaster (2006)

I had almost given up hope with this set, but then Magma came along and praise be to the flying spaghetti monster we finally get a movie that focuses on the global disaster in this disaster movie. Surprise, surprise, even though this movie is bad I still had fun. This is exactly what I wanted, bad special effects, cities getting trashed, stupid government officials making things worse and outlandish ways of solving the crisis. It helps that the two leads played by Amy Jo Johnson and Xander Berkley are also good and have an incredible amount of charm. It’s still a bad movie but it’s enjoyable and that’s more than I can say for the other four movies. If there is one thing that kind of let me down with this, it was the anti climatic ending; still this movie at least gave me my five dollars worth.


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