Movie Movies: How I Learnt To Hate Some Films and Stop Worrying About Nicholas Cage.

After watching this I didn't think it could get worse.

So I was going to start this month with four reviews covering Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie and Vampires Suck. Now everyone complains about these movies, but I thought I would give them their day in court so to speak. Well I started with Epic Movie; it confirmed what people have said about the movies, or at least this one. The moving onto Meet the Spartans an unusual reaction came over me. Pure, undiluted rage.

I don’t think I’m going over new ground by saying that this movie was really god awful, but with Meet the Spartans the humour was so insultingly bad that I stopped it about a quarter of the way through it. The thing is I don’t normally stop movies even if they are awful. Zombies of Mass Destruction was a movie that I loathed and I still managed to watch it from beginning to end. There was just a certain quality about these movies that got under my skin.

I look back at some of my favourite parody movies such as Not Another Teen Movie, Flying High (Airplane in other countries), Hot Shots and Black Dynamite, and wonder how hard it is to write even the most basic of funny scripts to mock Disaster Movies, Epic Movies etc. Flying High made fun of the silliness of old plane disaster movies; Black Dynamite successfully took shots at black exploitation movies. Epic Movie did nothing to mock epic movies; in fact it couldn’t even get the title right and mainly referenced blockbuster movies.

I was wrong. It got worse.

Now taking a step back from the movie, I think it’s only fair if we would take a look at who this movie is aimed for. It obviously not me, but I have heard that it’s focused on the young teenage boys demographic. I can understand that as a lot of the humour is focused on the lowest common denominator. Hell if I was 13 or 14 I might of thought these movies were great. The problem is while the humour is at that level, the content is a lot more adult and I would not be okay with young children watching these movies.

Finally the last thing I wanted to talk about. Meet the Spartans. I couldn’t finish this movie for one big reason. For the first quarter of the movie it’s crammed with gay jokes. Really, really clichéd gay jokes. Offensive, out right horrid gay jokes. I get there is humour to be mind for the possible homo erotic subtext of 300, but you have to actually be subtle to mine that vein in such a way as to not offend people, you also don’t use the same joke every minute. It’s not bloody funny, it wasn’t the first time and guess what it’s not funny the thirty sixth time. I try not to be offended, but the writers of this movie are just vile human pieces of filth, but then they wouldn’t care as these movies are making them money.

In all honestly Meet the Spartans derailed me for a few days. I didn’t really want to write about movies, or watch movies. I really haven’t had such a bad reaction to a movie before. Thankfully I’m back and writing this has helped me somewhat, so I thank all the readers for this indulgence. Needless to say I don’t think I have to remind people not to watch these movies. The experiment is over, time to shut it down and move on to the next films.

I felt a little like this after Meet the Spartans. Didn't think it would be
a recruitment tool for the Red Lanterns.

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Review: Project X (2012)

“The Party You've Only Dreamed About.”

Director: Nima Nourizadeh

Writers: Matt Drake and Michael Bacall

Stars: Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper and Jonathan Daniel Brown

Have you ever thought about trying to have that awesome party? The one that’s going to have you remembered by all the kids you go to school with. I haven’t but that’s because my friends and I would rather just watch movies together and eat copious amounts of popcorn. But I understand the want to earn cool points with the people around you. And so we come to Project X the ultimate party movie.

For the life of me I can’t remember a found footage movie ever being used for a party movie. I’m sure some elements have been used, but from go to woe, Project X comes off as a unique prospect for the audience members to really get in deep with that party/coming of age movie. However there are several problems that ruin the potential that this film has.

First off let me just say that I can see this film really getting a following with the younger generation, and it’s fun and breezy enough to give people a good enough time. I wasn’t expecting too much from the film, and it did take me awhile to get into the movie but when I did, I was laughing and having a good enough time. If you are intrigued by the premise, and are not expecting too much, then go for it. But I should probably explain the issues for those who want to go all Inception and delve deeper.

Characters in this movie will other wise please you, or grate on you till you want to find them and hang them from the nearest tree. Oliver Cooper as Costa is the most annoying of the trio, and is cut from a cloth so familiar it does take a little steam out of the proceedings. He’s the annoying friend who tries to act tough, and his constant search for women means he acts like a chauvinistic pig. It’s a similar character that we’ve seen in Superbad and other countless teen movies. In fact this is the sort of role that Jonah Hill would have played. The other two characters are fine enough but the Costa gets a lot of time and it hurts.

The other problem is the real lack of focus. I don’t really see a point to this movie other than being a look at the worst and best day of a teenager. The ending tried to bring meaning to the proceedings but the use of the camera did seem rather ham fisted. Add to it all jokes that didn’t serve any purpose in the movie, and seemed highly out of place.

One thing in this movies favour is the escalation of the party and the chaos that stems from it. The end of the party is pretty thrilling even if it’s over the top, but if anything it’s one of the few things the movie is trying to emphasise for the audience. It cements the party in its epicness, and it truly is the party that would define many peoples lives.

I had fun at this movie and to say otherwise would be a lie, but as I was leaving I just couldn’t see any reason for this movie to be made. What could have been a great movie bringing the voyeuristic eye to the party of all parties, is really wasted by not having anything deep. Is it a coming of age movie? Kind of. With the ending of the characters however I’m left to question the movies intentions. But I guess movies don’t need to have deep meaning, and as I said mid way through this review, the movie is enjoyable enough. If you like party movies, or movies like Superbad then I’m sure you will find something here.

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Of Slender and Man: Evolution of an Urban Legend

I tend to be stubborn when a new show comes along and sometimes it takes me awhile to come around to the newest thing. Normally I wait for the hype to die down, and let myself discover the series on my lonesome. In this case I finally made my way to a little internet show called Marble Hornets (Links are here and here). What I’ve finally managed to experience is an excellent exercise in the found footage genre, and a show that really taps into the terror of urban legends.

Really at the heart of the series is the urban legend of the Slender Man, who is a fascinating example of evolution of a tale, and how readily other forms of media can adopt things to their purposes. The supernatural creature was first created in the forums of Something Awful in a contest to fake supernatural creatures. The pictures were created by forum member Victor Surge and soon enough captured people’s imaginations and the process of creating the creatures back story began.

"we didn't want to go, we didn't want to kill them, but its persistent silence and outstretched arms horrified and comforted us at the same time..."

1983, photographer unknown, presumed dead.

One of two recovered photographs from the Stirling City Library blaze. Notable for being taken the day which fourteen children vanished and for what is referred to as "The Slender Man". Deformities cited as film defects by officials. Fire at library occurred one week later. Actual photograph confiscated as evidence.
1986, photographer: Mary Thomas, missing since June 13th, 1986.

The Slender Man has had quite the impressive impact on pop culture, as Minecraft creator Notch has gone on record as saying the Slender Man did influence the creation of Ender Men. Not only that, but there striking similarities between the Slender Man and the Silence from the most recent Dr Who series. Just thinking about this influence is fascinating to me as a writer, as we are seeing the evolution of a story right before our eyes.

An artists rendition of Slender Man next to The Silence from
TotallyLooksLike.com

In the brief time that I’ve immersed myself into the world of Slender Man I’ve come across some very interesting projects surrounding the mystifying figure. One such project was a blog done in Wordpress called Just Another Fool. The blog is used like a Lovecraftian story, detailing the decent into madness of one of the hero’s and another trying to work out what’s happening to his friend. The brilliance of this idea is it operates like a game with people creating identities and interacting with the creators of the blog (ARG is the term I’ve heard, Alternate Reality Game for those playing the home game). Not only does this flesh out the myth of Slender Man but also is a crystal idea of the evolution of story.

The internet is littered with these Slender Man photoshops.

Apart from the fan fiction that has sprung up, there are some people who are starting to believe in the myth of Slender Man as a real thing. I think this is in part to forums that are part of ARG’s. It’s fascinating to see the line blur between reality and fiction for some people, even when there are people who are trying to calm the believers by telling them it’s all a game. One of the more interesting theories I’ve seen is that the Slender Man is becoming real, because he’s becoming more prevalent to pop culture. Yet is it really Slendy (that’s what his friends call him) that’s at the centre of this, or maybe something more wired into the brains of people.

The unmoving figure in the background is a disturbing image, add to that
the forest locale and you have something that can haunt people.

Going a back a little through myths and legends we find various creatures that are similar in look and powers. The Mothmen from the 1975 book The Mothman Prophecies, written by John Keel is a good example. It details the investigation of John Keel as he tries to get to the bottom of sighting of The Mothman in West Virginia. While the creature is more animalistic than the Slender Man, some accounts credit the creature as a large man in a black trench coat and red eyes; the trench coat actually being wings. Whether you believe it or not, it’s interesting to note another urban legend have both the black clothes get up and the mental distortion powers.

The Mothman.

The Mothman Prophecies also details another urban legend that has similarities with the Slender Man, and that’s the Men in Black. First off, no I don’t mean the ones from the movies, while taking inspiration from the urban legend they are far removed from the actual thing, as the Men in Black are seen more as a threat. The Men in Black are people who often come into town, dressed in black suits and ask questions of the locals who often have trouble with their memories afterwards. It’s kind of worrisome how people’s minds are wired to come up with similar stories, even when separated by a generation or two.

A lot of Men in Black fan art depicts them as otherworldly,
with possible alien connections.

Honestly I don’t have any idea why this happens, but it is always interesting as I said before, to witness the evolution of story, myth and how it changes with the different cultures. Having watched as much of Marbles Hornets that is available, I would highly recommend people head to you tube to watch this series as it really does tap into a primal terror. Better yet I would grab the DVD and help support these film makers and at the same time give them a good reason to make Season 3 of the series. Finally if the Slender Man intrigues you get out there and start reading some of the stories people have created, as well as take look at some of the fan art.

Some more of peoples Slender Man work.

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Quick Movie Review: Vol 24 (Special B-Grade Trash Edition)

It’s funny how I started this blog with the intention of reviewing really old genre based movies, but it turned into just general movies. While I’m not upset at that fact; because let’s face it a lot of those old genre movies are god awful; I do feel the need to get back in touch with what started me down this blogging road.

Thankfully I was afforded an opportunity recently to go to a midnight movie like showing of some classic b-grade trash. While they were both bad, I still had fun laughing along with the audience, and I guess that’s the most I could have really hoped for. I’ve decided to honour this night with a very special Quick Movie Review Volume (I’m so excited).

Starcrash (1978)

“I only have logic and emotion circuits. No room for craziness.”

An Italian movie trying to cash in of Star Wars, it shamelessly gets to the ripping off right from the first scene. Among a under a Space Ship opening shot, and text crawl, we also get a similar climatic battle against the enemies base and a light sabre like technology. Actually I could probably put together several pages of similarities but then what the fun in that.

I don’t think I have to tell you the horror that is the acting in this movie with the main actor Caroline Munro (Stella Star in the movie) needing to do nothing more than look pretty and smile. In fact she has the disturbing habit of smiling at the worst news. But talking about Munro isn’t doing justice to the very young David Hasselhoff showing up. Yes the Hoff is there to not really do much other than force a stagnant friendship. But the highlight of the movie is the awesome robot Elle, as voiced by Hamilton Camp. He plays the robot with a southern drawl that is just a hoot and a half.

Other than that, the plot is ridiculous, the pacing choppy with character developments that are just ridiculous, and the special effect are kind of laughable considering this was made after Star Wars. But honestly you don’t come to this type of movie to watch a classic, instead you come to laugh, and there is the right amount of cheese to be able to enjoy this, as long as you have a few good friends to laugh at the movie with.

Hands of Steel (1986)

Like a lot of the movies of the 80’s, Hands of Steel as most of the goofy cheese at the end, which doesn’t help the audience member as they have to put up with the robotic acting of Daniel Greene. There is still some stuff to enjoy in this movie but unlike Starcrash I wouldn’t call this a laugh riot.

Basically this movie tries to hook the audience in with the thinnest of connection to the Terminator. Paco (Greene) is a cyborg killer who is sent by the evil Francis Turner (John Saxon) to kill a scientist for some reason or other. I say some reason because the movie doesn’t really care about the plot; it’s more interested in having a cyborg arm wrestle. I’m not sure how it fits, or what coked up movie exec thought arm wrestling was the way to go, but the movie has two ‘action’ set pieces that revolve around that most noblest of sports.

Now I’ll give Green one thing, he looks the part of a stoned cold killer cyborg, shame his acting is beyond wooden. It’s hard to describe how bad it is, but the man no only doesn’t have charisma but manages to suck other people’s charisma into the void. Thank goodness John Saxon is there to evil it up even if he’s not in the movie much.

One thing I was impressed with was the helicopter action scenes in the late part of the movie. Sometimes old movies just had a way of disregarding safety in order to get great shots; this kind of reckless abandonment is not seen these days. Unfortunately despite the end I was more bored with this movie than Starcrash, even the audience I was with was fading fast. Still if you’re an 80’s killer robot movie lover then this certainly isn’t the worst movie out there.

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Review: Fast & Furious (2009)

“I'm a boy who appreciates a good body, regardless of the make.”

Director: Justin Lin

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Michelle Rodriguez and Sung Kang

Writer: Chris Morgan

And so ends my journey with the Fast and the Furious franchise. Those after my Fast Five review just need to go through my archives as I reviewed it a bit back. So the end, no more Vin Diesel and Paul Walker bromance, no more car love, no more cheese. Thankfully we are in the capable hands of Justin Lin who’s made these movies his own, lets see how he does with the movie that reunites the original cast members.

Well first off in regards to the actor’s everyone is pretty much doing what they do best. Rodriguez, Brewster, Diesel, they all have a good grasp on their characters and if you liked them in the previous movies you shouldn’t be disappointed. The biggest improvement comes from Paul Walker, who seems a lot less wooden, and his dialogue has the bro speak turned down. Mr Walker is never going to be an actor remembered for his acting, but this script and director do seem to be getting the most out of him. Sung Kang also rocks up as Han from the third movie, while not the biggest of parts it’s nice to see the tie in with the previous effort and actually does a lot to flesh out the world of the franchise. John Ortiz as the films villain Campos is fine, but there is more attention paid to Dominic and Brian’s relationship which does lesson the threat somewhat. I just want a little more focus on Campos to really understand the inner workings of his head, and the whole Braga legend that he uses.

The story is still hamstrung by the need to make it based around cars, so you’ve got our two heroes’s hired by the bad guy to do a smuggling run in cars. Brian wants to infiltrate so he can bring the bad guy in to justice, while Dominic is infiltrating in a quest for revenge. Thankfully with Lin at the helm there just seems more focus than the first two movies which have tread similar ground. Also in regards to the tension between Dominic and Brian, it may also seem like the first movie, but in my opinion it’s done a lot better, and it’s nice that Lin was given the chance to recreate this relationship and make it stronger.

Visually I will admit the movie seems to have taken a back step from the third movie. There was just something about the setting of Tokyo that made the movie pop, but with it all heading back to America/Mexico it’s just very bland. The stunts are as always pretty cool, but the special effects are rather noticeable, but still plenty of car crashes for all. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing as it may be different for the individual audience member, but there has been a toning of the car culture in this movie. You still get to see the parties, girls, and tricked out cars, but the movie is more concerned with the plot, than revelling in the culture this time.

For all its flaws I still like the series, and do hold on to the position that the last three in the franchise are the best. This is probably the worst out of those three, but I think Lin had his hands full trying to incorporate the original components into his vision. Also this movie marks the lessoning of car culture in the movies, and this could turn away some fans, but it seems to be a genuine effort to turn these movies into pure action movies. Funnily this is a great jumping on point for people not familiar with the series.

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Quick Movie Reviews: Vol 23

I know I’ve still got Fast and Furious to review, but a man can only write so much about car movies before he needs a break. To that end I’m going to take a look at four films that I don’t have too much to talk about. Don’t for a minute think this means it’s a boring film, but I can say what I want to say in one paragraph rather then five. So with that in mind, on to the films.

Angel-A (2005)

A down on his luck scam artist called Andre (Jamel Debbouze) contemplates committing suicide, but then by chance bumps into Angela (Rie Rasmussen) who offers him a chance to change his life around. For a film directed by Luc Besson I was shocked at how low key the movie is. Slow, thoughtful and a lot more emotional than I would have given it credit for, this was a fantastic character study of a damaged man looking for a second chance. Also having the movie shot in black and white adds to the nature of the film, black and white, good and evil, happy and sad. I’m pretty damn impressed with this movie and highly recommend it.

Sleeping Beauty (2011)

It’s a story of desire, unspoken, restrained, hidden. Lucy (Emily Browning) plays a university student who starts working at a unique gentleman’s club. Emily Browning is brilliant, and plays Lucy as an outsider to human society. She never seems to make a connection with people, and in fact her only friend seems to be a man who’s dying. The gentleman’s club is also a unique world, where it’s not necessarily sexual desire that’s catered to. In fact some of the gentlemen are just lonely old men and want to make a human connection before they die. Julia Leigh’s movie is fascinating, but I’m not sure exactly what the point is. It could be a movie just looking into this weird world, but I do think there is an underlying message to the film, but it’s hidden in the slower pacing and alieness of the characters.

Oranges and Sunshine (2010)

This film tells the story of Margaret Humphreys, a social worker from Nottingham who uncovered the scandal of "home children", a scheme of forcibly relocating children from the UK to Australia. If reading this brief summation of the story intrigues you then you should watch this movie, but don’t expect a film that tries anything different. The movie is packed with good actors, with Hugo Weaving, Emily Watson and David Wenham being the main trio. There isn’t too much to say about this film, it’s competent, the story is tragic, and the acting is good. So speaketh the great oz, now on to the next movie.

The Beaver (2011)

Ah, the movie that Mel Gibson killed. If Mr Gibson was sane I could have seen this movie getting a lot more exposure than it did, however thanks to the nut bag there is a lot of baggage associated with it. It’s a shame, because this movie is actually pretty decent and deserves more people taking a look at it. Still there are some flaws in the movie that will turn people off. I guess the biggest problem is the tone of the movie, it shifts way too much and moves from happy to disturbing a little bit too quickly. The movie also seems a little aimless with no idea what it’s trying to achieve. Jodie Foster is a good director but there just seems to be a lack of focus. This movie does feature a fantastic performance by Anton Yelchin as Porter Black (Gibson’s son), and it obvious that he will be a name we see more of as time progresses. As for Mel Gibson, he’s pretty good, you remember why he was considered a good actor, it’s a shame he’s not a good person and has turned people away from his work.

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Review: Contraband (2012)

“I lost my stripes now, I gotta start from scratch?”

Director: Baltasar Kormákur

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Giovanni Ribisi, Ben Foster and Kate Beckinsale

Writer: Aaron Guzikowski

I’m not the biggest Mark Wahlberg fan in the world, but there are a few of his movies that I enjoy. The Other Guys, Three Kings, The Corrupter, the remake of The Italian Job, to name a few. But as an actor I’ve never really gotten his appeal, he just doesn’t seem to be able to emote, and is often most effective when he’s got other more interesting character to bounce off. So it’s with that kind of mind set that I dive into his new movie.

Acting wise Mark Wahlberg plays Marky Mark (Actually Chris Farraday), and your enjoyment is going to differ depending on how much mileage you get from the persona of Mr Wahlberg. Kate Beckinsale (Kate Farraday) is one of the better actors in this movie, but honestly I was amazed more at how they made her look like the girl next door. Props to the make up department. Ben Foster (Sebastian Abney) is the real winner in this movie, and yet again plays a layered flawed character, and make me wish he was put in more movies as the main lead as he can bring so much to a character even if the script doesn’t deserve it. I pray one day that a Heat like movie will be made, and Ryan Gosling and Ben Foster can play opposite each other, because that would just be perfect. All the other actors are a miss, either not given enough time, or just played horribly. In particular Giovanni Ribisi as the main villain Tim Briggs. I’m not sure what happened to this guy, but he’s playing the same redneck character he always seems to play these days, and what’s worse he plays it absolutely laughable. It’s a shame because the man does have talent.

For an action thriller there are some interesting shots, but it is all very generic. Occasional there are some techniques that stick out like a sore thumb, I can see the director going for something looking cool, but there is no unity of vision. Random cool shots are just that, random, and they make the movie sloppier than they should be. Also in the grand scheme of things there is only one real action piece, with everything else just moving the plot along. It was actually interesting as I left the cinema as I tried to really think of meaningful action set pieces and could only come up with one, and well that one leads me to the worst thing about this movie.

The plot. I could go on about the plot holes, how the big action scene is actually just chucked into the movie with the flimsiest of writing, or how characters are just written so stupid it hurts. But let me sum everything up with one key factor. Everything about the movie, the event that starts everything, the one motivation behind the things that happen is all made moot when you realise that it was needless. Instead of all these complicated actions, instead of the bloodshed and the smuggling, the threats and the betrayal, all one person had to do was ask a friend for money. That’s it. There is no need for the actions of characters, for the introduction of villains, for the pointless twists, everything the movie is, is a complete waste of time. This is one of the biggest sins a movie can make, if everything could so easily be avoided then why are we watching this damn movie.

So do I recommend this movie? Hell no. Avoid this like the plague. This is the type of crap that gets dumped into cinemas this time of year, and you’ll save your money, time and sanity just skipping it. Visually the movie is competent, acting wise there are some good performances, especially considering with what the actors are given. But when the movie shouldn’t even exist, especially when the characters would do something different, you’ve got a heavily flawed movie. Come on Ben Foster start picking better movies.

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